Unemployed, lack of self-esteem and identity
Is there anyone else who is between 25–30 years old with no self-esteem, no self-respect, constant self loathing and frequent thoughts of suicide. I want to know if there are more people like me suffering everyday emotionally or is it just me? Is it me playing the victim card, procrastinating my ass off or are there several people like me? I am tired of hearing about over-achievers from my mom. I want to hear about people who are stuck in their lives just like me. Probably we can help each other out to overcome this shitty phase of life.
At the age of 28, being unemployed for three years, staying home with family and being financially dependent on parents, sister and boyfriend have diminished all my self-esteem and self-respect. The constant comparisons made between my well accomplished (career wise) sister and me by my family, friends and relatives make me feel incompetent and useless. I quit my first job with hopes of pursuing higher studies abroad. I got accepted into the best universities like LSE, Warwick and all the other universities I had applied for but my inability to avail scholarships killed my dream of pursuing my desired course (Social Psychology) in those universities. I didn’t try again the following year. Subsequently, unavoidable family circumstances compelled me to shift to a new city wherein I worked as a Counsellor under a Psychologist. I quit my job during the lockdown and have been home since forever.
My constant depressed mood and occasional suicidal thoughts drove me to visit a Psychiatrist who diagnosed me with severe depression and recommended instant medication to prevent me from acting on my suicidal thoughts in the future. After doing intensive research online on the side effects of those medications, I decided not to take them. Therapy sessions were not worth my expectations of uncovering the root cause of my depression and killing the problem at its source. I am still battling depression maybe or I am the cause of my problems.
Nowadays I hate talking to people. I feel like I am constantly being judged for not working and sitting idly at home. I feel that no one respects me probably because I don’t respect myself. I was very judgemental about few of my relatives who never worked and were financially dependent on their families. I never knew that I would be in their shoes someday which makes me much more empathetic towards them now.
I feel pity for myself everyday. I am always sad, angry and miserable. I can’t enjoy any moment in my life whole heartedly. I can’t even laugh properly. I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in life. I forgot what it is like to feel lively, happy and confident. Recently I have been diagnosed with gallbladder stone and cyst, which I feel is the culmination and saturation of negatives emotions and thoughts in the last couple of years. If I continue this way, I am scared of getting more diseases and illnesses. Mental health and physical health are inter-connected. I want help. I need help. I have not felt productive for a long time.
This post seems like I am ranting out my problems and worries but honestly somehow I am feeling cathartic by writing and knowing that someone will be reading it.
Will finding a new job give me self-esteem? Is self-esteem equivalent to financial freedom? People with jobs will claim that their identities are not confined to their jobs and designations. I felt the same too while working but now I feel like I have no identity apart from being a loser and failure sitting at home at 28 with 7 cats.